When I was a kid, I loved action movies - nay, I was obsessed with them. When my friends and I shot each other up with our Super Soakers in the summer months, I was Bruce Willis in Die Hard, I was Steven Seagal in Under Siege. When the Super Soaker battles turned to snowball fights, I was Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger. (Hey, our cap guns jammed in the cold weather. We had to make do.) It didn't hurt that my grandfather, in addition to owning the first home bar I'd ever seen (and it was a beaut), also housed a prodigious collection of movies he'd recorded off the TV, many of which were R-rated and as gory as any underage boy could hope for.

All of this came rushing back to me when I took this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly out of the mailbox. I thought, "Hey, finally a list I can get behind." And then I saw Spider-Man on the cover. I fucking hate Spider-Man. But no matter - EW does manage to be pretty bang-on with its selection here (although the entire Renny Harlin oeuvre is sadly glossed over - what, no Long Kiss Goodnight? But it has Geena Davis in a platinum blonde fright wig and too much eyeliner!).

The rundown:

1. Die Hard. No suprise here.

2. Aliens. Better than the original, and by a significant margin (particularly the director's cut, which isn't quite so anxious to get to the good stuff). I'd consider it more sci-fi than action, but it's got plenty of shooting and slimy special effects, so why not.

3. Raiders of the Lost Ark. I have a theory as to why adventure movies are so perenially popular - namely, the best ones simply lift off and take you on a ride. You can't not enjoy yourself. Raiders piques our interest from the word go, sets up its premise with minimal fuss, and effortlessly entertains us for an entire two hours, moving like a roller coaster through thrills, chills and spills. That said, do people really consider this an action movie? It's rated PG, for crying out loud. Come on, we have standards to maintain.

4. The Road Warrior. This is the second one, right? Still haven't seen it, but it's on my list.

5. The Matrix. You know, so much of the action in this movie feels like cheating. Everything is CGI-heavy, smooth, crisp, not a speck of blood or strand of hair out of place. The lobby shootout scene is cool in that 1999 let's-show-off-the-DVD-player sort of way, but I prefer my action to look like it was done in the midst of real peril. Bruce Willis looked like he'd been through World War II after an hour. Keanu Reeves just looks bored.

6. Seven Samurai. Pretty much the blueprint for modern day action movies, particularly heist flicks. It's still entertaining, and the photography is still breathtaking.

7. Gladiator. No, I am not entertained. Gladiator is more boring than a dog's ass. I hated it when it won Best Picture and I hate it now. Not even Russell Crowe's pecs can save it, and that's saying something.

8. Saving Private Ryan. I've only seen the first 15 minutes, but the cheeseball graveyard scene at the beginning of the movie pretty much turned me off from watching the whole thing. Oy, Spielberg. He'd be the world's greatest director if he didn't go for the easy sentiment every 20 minutes.

9. Hard-Boiled. Haven't seen it, on my list.

10. Terminator 2: Judgment Day. You know, this movie is some seriously downer shit. Kid lives with foster parents because his mom is in the loony bin, Mom lives with nightmares that a cyborg from the future is trying to kill her, cyborg comes back to protect the kid, they all go off on a road trip to kill the guy that created the cyborg in the first place, and then the cyborg kills itself anyway as the kid wails in despair over losing his friend. I mean, the first movie wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs either, but yeesh. I think Linda Hamilton smiles exactly once in the whole thing. On the plus side, great effects. They did this stuff in 1991, y'all. It still boggles the mind.

11. Speed. I've always found this one a little overrated, but it's fun. Good pacing, sharp dialogue, and Keanu comes as close to genuine acting as he's ever been.

12. The Empire Strikes Back. A New Hope just seems so flat compared to Empire, doesn't it? It's as if early test audiences for the first movie were all, "More of everything!" And Lucas was all, "Sure, okay." And then he released the best sequel in the history of sequels. Shit like that doesn't happen anymore.

13. The Wild Bunch. Another one on my list.

14. RoboCop. Hee. Anyone remember the RoboCop vs. Terminator Game Boy game? Just me? Alright, then. Haven't seen the movie in years, but #14 seems a bit high.

15. Enter the Dragon. I have no interest in Bruce Lee movies, but I suppose I should see this.

16. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Ah yes, the movie that should have won Best Picture over Crapiator. (Shut up, I'm tired.) Wonderfully acted, directed, and staged. Calling it an action movie almost feels like missing the point.

17. The Bourne Supremacy. I didn't see this one - I was a bit underwhelmed by the first. But EW makes it sound pretty good, so it's on my list.

18. The Adventures of Robin Hood. The 1938 version. Interesting choice.

19. Goldfinger. Certainly the best of the early Bond films - great set pieces, killer dialogue, fun all the way through.

20. Kill Bill - Vol. 1. Still one of my favorites. Unlike Grindhouse, which tried too hard, this is an actual grindhouse-style movie - it's trash, but in a good way. Every scene is charged with energy, the intangible kind that comes from a filmmaker bursting at the seams with enthusiasm for his craft. Tarantino loves movies, he clearly loves toying with his audience, and he loves telling a story - which this movie does, arguably better than any of his previous films. Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs felt too enamored with their own cleverness; Jackie Brown was too rote and by-the-book (literally). There's something more honest, more refreshingly urgent about Kill Bill - it's a tongue-in-cheek popcorn movie played dead serious by all involved, which makes it more dramatically involving than it has any right to be. That said, Vol. 2 really makes the whole enterprise work, while Vol. 1 is mostly just action - but very, very good action.

21. Spider-Man 2. Speaking of unwelcome CGI. I'm sorry, I can't take a superhero who moves around like Gumby seriously. And Alfred Molina with the mechanical octopus arms...ay yi yi. They should have just given the whole movie to Pixar. The script is ridiculous, too - there's a line between enjoyably corny and plain stupid, and this movie crosses it one time too many. Plus, Kirsten Dunst. Please make her go away.

22. Predator. Another one I haven't seen. I hear it's okay.

23. Drunken Master II. See above.

24. Lethal Weapon. Ah, Mel Gibson before he went crazy. "I'm too old for this shit" before it became a worn-out catchphrase. Buddy-cop flicks before they became stupid as a rule.

25. The Incredibles. This list is far too family-friendly. Good movie, though, and I like how Pixar stretched a bit with the more mature themes and more intense action. And they still have the best voice casting directors in the industry.

So does anyone actually want to see Live Free or Die Hard, other than for the camp value?

This entry was posted by Darryl, on Wednesday, June 27, 2007. You can leave your response.