I have not seen Return of the King. I do not want to see Return of the King. I didn't want to see Fellowship of the Ring or The Two Towers, but I somehow ended up seeing the former four times and the latter once (which was more than enough). I don't give a fat flying fuck about Lord of the Rings. I refuse to listen to everyone and their mother crowing about how Return of the King is, like, so the best movie in the whole trilogy, really, it totally makes the ass-numbing first two movies worth it, really, honestly, it's the best movie ever made in the history of the universe, seriously, because you know what? OVER. RATED. I feel like I should reserve judgment of ROTK until I've seen it, but fuck that shit - I've done more than my share of judgment-reserving this year. The Lord of the Rings movies are okay. They're entertaining, to a certain extent. BUT NOTHING MORE. People, come on. The Two Towers was the most overstuffed, exhausting, self-important movie I've ever had to sit through. "Better than Fellowship"? No. Wrong. NOT better than Fellowship, because Fellowship actually had some semblance of a coherent plot, not to mention it didn't feel like eight fucking hours watching paint dry. The Two Towers had magnificent battle scenes, but it just went on....and on........and oooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnn......................., and by the time I left the theatre my eyes were bleeding and my ass felt like cottage cheese, because DAMMIT. THERE IS SUCH THING AS "TOO LONG". And if I wanted magnificent battle scenes, I'd watch Kill Bill, again, some more, because at least that particular train wreck had a sense of humor, and no, Gimli the Comic Relief Dwarf (tm Dave Barry) doesn't count, and don't even get me started on the wooden acting, equally wooden dialogue, and pretentious speechifying, because....gggugggh. I hate, hate, HATE The Two Towers and I don't care who knows it.

And now we have Return of the King, which really is the best movie of the year, like, totally, you have to see it, it's not overhyped at all, really. Shut the FUCK up, Peter Jackson. Shut the FUCK up, Lisa Schwarzbaum. Shut the FUCK up, Oscar predictions. If Return of the King takes Best Picture, I will officially give up on humanity.

Now, just wait. I'll end up seeing Return of the King and loving it. Because that's just my luck.