The Ten Commandments of the Cafeteria Line
Friday, December 20, 2002 by Darryl
Because apparently, everyone at my school suffered severe head trauma as children. Hence, a small refresher course in lunch line etiquette. Smart people need not apply. Neanderthals? Read on, and take notes.
1. Thou shall not butt in line. You remember grade school, don't you? Where butting in line was the ultimate sin, and one's place in line was a valuable commodity, constantly in jeopardy due to the extreme pushiness of your fellow student? Well, the times may change, but the rules still apply. The line is there for a reason. Don't want to wait that long? Leave. We're all in the same boat as you, and we're all hungry, so suck it up and DEAL. That means DON'T sneak in and stand beside the line itself, waiting for an opening. That means DON'T fucking cut in front of me because you just gotta have that muffin, man, you just gotta! Because I don't give a fuck. I'm hungry too, and I couldn't care less about you and your hunger pains and your bloated ego and your stupid haircut because I AM IN FRONT OF YOU, and therefore I GET MY SHIT FIRST. You? Wait. And just in case one of your friends lets you cut ahead of him/her, that DOESN'T give you the right to invite 80 of your wigger posse into the line with you, because although your friend may be a doormat, I'm not. And I'm hungry. And I managed to get here before you, so GO. TO. THE. BACK. OF. THE. LINE. Yes, it's a long line. I get that. We all do. But you aren't the Almighty Master (or Mistress) of the universe, so fuck off. And go to the back of the line. And get a haircut.
2. Thou shall not pay for a can of Mountain Dew with an ATM card. Check your watch. Do you see the time? We're 8 minutes into our 10-minute break between classes, and I have 2 major projects due before Christmas break, and I have more work on my plate than my brain is able to fully process yet, so I need to get to class. Want to buy a can of Coke? Pay for it with cash. Don't have cash? Shove the ATM card up your time-sucking ass and GET SOME. You use an ATM card at Music World. You do not use an ATM card in the lunch line, especially if you're paying for a cookie. A chicken burger with fries, a drink, and a bag of Lays? Fine - use the card, and make it quick. A cookie? No. Not fine. Not okay. Annoying. SO DON'T DO IT.
3. Thou shall not ask me to get you an order of fries. See #1. You're behind me. Too bad for you. Want to order food? WAIT. I can fetch you a small slush drink, because I just happen to be in front of the machine. But anything more complicated than that? Not gonna happen. And don't be all, "Hey, good buddy, can you do me a favor?" and pretend to be my friend. Ew. I don't know you, and with THAT smarmy attitude I don't fucking want to know you, so don't even talk to me. Park your attention-deficit ass and wait for the line to move. Can't wait that long? Look at the shiny metal tray. Oooh, shiny.
4. If thou needst to chit-chat, thou shall do it on thine own time. Yes, I'm talking to YOU, Blond Bimbo #47. Your screechy voice and inane giggles are making my ears bleed. I understand that all boys are pigs and evil and monsters and have crappy taste, but that doesn't mean I need to hear the play-by-play of your phone conversation with Dylan last night. I'm sure Katie would just love to get the dirt, but I want to get food, and I guarantee you that neither myself nor anyone else in the line gives a flying fig about the minutiae of your fascinating life, so please turn the volume down. Or just turn the stereo off completely. Also, you're not that hot. The girl upstairs in the student council office? She's hot. She also has a brain cell.
5. Thou shall not mouth off to the cafeteria ladies. Because it's rude. And it makes you look like an ass. So you end up looking like a rude ass, which is the worst kind.
6. Thou shall not complain about the length of the line, or the duration of the wait. Don't be a brat. Cooking up fries takes time, so calm the fuck down. Say it with me, folks: WAIT. If you can't wait, you should have gotten here sooner. Can't get here sooner because your class is on the other side of the school? Your problem, not mine. And not worthy of spoken complaint. So shut up.
7. Thou shall not shove. Ever. In any way, shape or form. For any reason. Because, again, YOU'RE IN A LUNCH LINE. This is high school, kiddies. Recess is long gone, so take your hyperactive selves outside and work off that steam. I'm mostly talking to the ninth-graders here, because they're all nuts. Every single one of them. I can't tell you how many times I see these preteen morons running up and down the halls chasing one of their friends because he/she playfully stole his/her backpack. One time, the bell rang for lunch period, and as I was walking down the hallway, these two ninth-graders started chasing each other like wild animals, and one of them slammed the other one into the door at the end of the hall. Kid ended up smacking his head on the door's large glass window and shattering it to pieces. THIS ISN'T KINDERGARTEN, fuckwads. Welcome to the real world. Same goes for the lunch line. Pushing and shoving belong OUTSIDE.
8. Thou shall not question the price of the food. Trust me, the chicken burger costs $1.75. No, trust me. The cashier didn't add it wrong. That's what it costs. Don't argue. With anyone.
9. Thou shall have thine cash (and it will indeed be cash, as detailed above) ready before thou reachest the register. Don't stand there counting out every last nickel and dime with a huge line behind you. You've got plenty of time to count your money and get what you need before you even enter the line, and LOADS of time once you're actually IN the line, because it's a very long line, remember? So count the cash beforehand. This is really a common sense thing, but apparently we've all forgotten the meaning of "common sense". (Hm. Is "reachest" even a word? Was it ever? I hate this pseudo-biblical speak. Stupid need for parody.)
10. Thou shall not steal. Yep, it's on this list too. And it matters. Firstly, stealing is bad. Very bad. Secondly, if people keep stealing things, the school will keep imposing rules like "Take your coat and backpack off before entering the lunch line", which is supremely annoying when you're in a hurry and you just need to get the muffin and get to class ASAP, so don't make life harder for everyone. Bring money, spend money. Do not steal. Trust me, the chicken burger isn't worth the trouble. I also highly doubt that there is even an ounce of chicken in it. If you're going to steal, at least steal something valuable. Like a PlayStation 2. Or a brain. Or a new set of manners.
1. Thou shall not butt in line. You remember grade school, don't you? Where butting in line was the ultimate sin, and one's place in line was a valuable commodity, constantly in jeopardy due to the extreme pushiness of your fellow student? Well, the times may change, but the rules still apply. The line is there for a reason. Don't want to wait that long? Leave. We're all in the same boat as you, and we're all hungry, so suck it up and DEAL. That means DON'T sneak in and stand beside the line itself, waiting for an opening. That means DON'T fucking cut in front of me because you just gotta have that muffin, man, you just gotta! Because I don't give a fuck. I'm hungry too, and I couldn't care less about you and your hunger pains and your bloated ego and your stupid haircut because I AM IN FRONT OF YOU, and therefore I GET MY SHIT FIRST. You? Wait. And just in case one of your friends lets you cut ahead of him/her, that DOESN'T give you the right to invite 80 of your wigger posse into the line with you, because although your friend may be a doormat, I'm not. And I'm hungry. And I managed to get here before you, so GO. TO. THE. BACK. OF. THE. LINE. Yes, it's a long line. I get that. We all do. But you aren't the Almighty Master (or Mistress) of the universe, so fuck off. And go to the back of the line. And get a haircut.
2. Thou shall not pay for a can of Mountain Dew with an ATM card. Check your watch. Do you see the time? We're 8 minutes into our 10-minute break between classes, and I have 2 major projects due before Christmas break, and I have more work on my plate than my brain is able to fully process yet, so I need to get to class. Want to buy a can of Coke? Pay for it with cash. Don't have cash? Shove the ATM card up your time-sucking ass and GET SOME. You use an ATM card at Music World. You do not use an ATM card in the lunch line, especially if you're paying for a cookie. A chicken burger with fries, a drink, and a bag of Lays? Fine - use the card, and make it quick. A cookie? No. Not fine. Not okay. Annoying. SO DON'T DO IT.
3. Thou shall not ask me to get you an order of fries. See #1. You're behind me. Too bad for you. Want to order food? WAIT. I can fetch you a small slush drink, because I just happen to be in front of the machine. But anything more complicated than that? Not gonna happen. And don't be all, "Hey, good buddy, can you do me a favor?" and pretend to be my friend. Ew. I don't know you, and with THAT smarmy attitude I don't fucking want to know you, so don't even talk to me. Park your attention-deficit ass and wait for the line to move. Can't wait that long? Look at the shiny metal tray. Oooh, shiny.
4. If thou needst to chit-chat, thou shall do it on thine own time. Yes, I'm talking to YOU, Blond Bimbo #47. Your screechy voice and inane giggles are making my ears bleed. I understand that all boys are pigs and evil and monsters and have crappy taste, but that doesn't mean I need to hear the play-by-play of your phone conversation with Dylan last night. I'm sure Katie would just love to get the dirt, but I want to get food, and I guarantee you that neither myself nor anyone else in the line gives a flying fig about the minutiae of your fascinating life, so please turn the volume down. Or just turn the stereo off completely. Also, you're not that hot. The girl upstairs in the student council office? She's hot. She also has a brain cell.
5. Thou shall not mouth off to the cafeteria ladies. Because it's rude. And it makes you look like an ass. So you end up looking like a rude ass, which is the worst kind.
6. Thou shall not complain about the length of the line, or the duration of the wait. Don't be a brat. Cooking up fries takes time, so calm the fuck down. Say it with me, folks: WAIT. If you can't wait, you should have gotten here sooner. Can't get here sooner because your class is on the other side of the school? Your problem, not mine. And not worthy of spoken complaint. So shut up.
7. Thou shall not shove. Ever. In any way, shape or form. For any reason. Because, again, YOU'RE IN A LUNCH LINE. This is high school, kiddies. Recess is long gone, so take your hyperactive selves outside and work off that steam. I'm mostly talking to the ninth-graders here, because they're all nuts. Every single one of them. I can't tell you how many times I see these preteen morons running up and down the halls chasing one of their friends because he/she playfully stole his/her backpack. One time, the bell rang for lunch period, and as I was walking down the hallway, these two ninth-graders started chasing each other like wild animals, and one of them slammed the other one into the door at the end of the hall. Kid ended up smacking his head on the door's large glass window and shattering it to pieces. THIS ISN'T KINDERGARTEN, fuckwads. Welcome to the real world. Same goes for the lunch line. Pushing and shoving belong OUTSIDE.
8. Thou shall not question the price of the food. Trust me, the chicken burger costs $1.75. No, trust me. The cashier didn't add it wrong. That's what it costs. Don't argue. With anyone.
9. Thou shall have thine cash (and it will indeed be cash, as detailed above) ready before thou reachest the register. Don't stand there counting out every last nickel and dime with a huge line behind you. You've got plenty of time to count your money and get what you need before you even enter the line, and LOADS of time once you're actually IN the line, because it's a very long line, remember? So count the cash beforehand. This is really a common sense thing, but apparently we've all forgotten the meaning of "common sense". (Hm. Is "reachest" even a word? Was it ever? I hate this pseudo-biblical speak. Stupid need for parody.)
10. Thou shall not steal. Yep, it's on this list too. And it matters. Firstly, stealing is bad. Very bad. Secondly, if people keep stealing things, the school will keep imposing rules like "Take your coat and backpack off before entering the lunch line", which is supremely annoying when you're in a hurry and you just need to get the muffin and get to class ASAP, so don't make life harder for everyone. Bring money, spend money. Do not steal. Trust me, the chicken burger isn't worth the trouble. I also highly doubt that there is even an ounce of chicken in it. If you're going to steal, at least steal something valuable. Like a PlayStation 2. Or a brain. Or a new set of manners.
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